You've tested forty ad variants this quarter.

How many pages have you tested?

Not a trick question. I ask because I already know roughly what the answer is, and it isn't your team's fault.

Every time performance dips, the same three levers get pulled. New creative. New audience. New campaign structure. Your buyer is good at all three, and all three live inside the ad account, which is the only room they have keys to.

So the ads keep changing. The page never does.

Which means every test you've run this year has been run against the same constant. The one asset sitting between the click and the card, and it hasn't moved since launch.

Why nobody touches the landing page

It isn't neglect. It's access.

Your media buyer can spin up a new ad by lunchtime. New hook, new thumbnail, new angle, live by two. Total cost of trying something: an hour and some spend.

The page is a different animal. It's a dev ticket. It's a designer. It's a queue behind whatever the ecom manager already committed to this sprint. Trying something new there costs a fortnight and three people's goodwill.

So the team optimises what it can reach. Sensibly. And a year goes by where the ads have been through eighty iterations and the page has been through none.

Ad creative decides whether someone clicks. The page decides whether they buy. Your team has been iterating hard on the cheaper half of that equation, because it's the half they can actually touch.

Standing still has a price. Most brands never put a number on it.

Run this on your own account, with your own figures. Mine are made up, yours aren't.

Now move the conversion rate to 2.6%. Not a fantasy number, just a pre-sell page doing its job on cold traffic. Same spend, same clicks, same product.

Every month you don't fix the page, that six grand is an invoice you're paying to nobody.

I'm not asking you to believe the 2.6%. I'm asking you to notice you've never tested it, because nobody on the team had a way to.

Think of it as adding a bloke to the team, not replacing one

Your media buyer keeps the ad account. Your agency keeps the strategy. Your designer keeps the brand.

I take the one thing none of them own: the page in between.

That's the whole pitch. I'm not here to audit your funnel, restructure your campaigns, or tell your agency they've been doing it wrong. I write the asset that's been sitting untested since launch, hand it over, and your team tests it the way they'd test anything else.

No onboarding. No retainer. No standing meeting. You send me an ad and a page, seven days later you get back the missing piece.

What actually turns up in seven days

Most freelancers send you six hundred words and an invoice. Here's what a page built to survive paid cold traffic comes with.

Once. Not monthly. The page runs for as long as the offer runs.

So what's the catch at $575?

Fair question, and the honest answer is that what I need right now isn't your money. It's conversion data on cold traffic with a real brand's name attached to it.

Some background, since you're being asked to trust a stranger. I spent twenty-eight years as an executive chef. Group executive chef across luxury resorts in Fiji, Thailand and Australia, running twenty-million-dollar food and beverage portfolios, a hundred and fifty staff, kitchens at places like Amanpulo and Palazzo Versace. Before that I founded and exited an online video ad network.

Three decades selling wellness and indulgence to exactly the buyer your advertorial needs to convince. Face to face, one plate at a time. I know what makes that person pause, what makes them justify the spend, and what makes them come back.

What I don't have yet is a public number that says this page took a cold funnel from 2% to 2.6%.

So the first piece is $575, and when the data lands I'd like two things: the number, and permission to put your name next to it. Not a contract. Just the ask.

Once I have a handful of those, this goes away and the price is $2,500. Which is closer to what the work is actually worth.

This is the cheapest I will ever be. I'd rather tell you why than pretend it's a sale.

Don't love it, don't pay

You send the brief. Seven days later the page lands.

If it's not right, we work on it until it is. If you read it and still don't want it, say so within seven days of delivery and you owe me nothing. Keep the research either way, it's yours.

I can offer that because I do the digging before I write a word, and because at $575 I'm backing myself to make you want the second one.

Ten of these, then it's gone

A page a week is a page a week, and revisions don't run on a meter. I can carry ten at this price before the arithmetic stops working. After that it's $2,500 and this letter reads very differently.

If you've been meaning to test a pre-sell page for six months and it keeps sliding down the sprint list, this is the cheapest that decision will ever be.

Things you're probably wondering

Seven days from when?

From the moment I have your brief. The dig takes two days, the draft takes the rest. If I'm booked I'll tell you the start date before you pay anything.

What do you need from me?

Your best-performing ad, the page it currently points to, the product, and whatever reviews or support tickets you can share. I handle the rest.

Do I pay upfront?

Half to start, half on delivery. Invoke the guarantee and the deposit comes back. It wouldn't mean much otherwise.

Will this step on my agency's toes?

Opposite. They keep the ads. I write the page they've never had bandwidth to build. Most agencies are relieved when someone else owns the landing page.

Can you write the ads too?

Yes, hooks and ad copy for Meta and TikTok. The ad and the page work better written by the same hand. That's a separate conversation once the page proves out.

Who owns the work?

You do. Copy, variants, research notes, all of it. I might ask to use it as an anonymised sample later. That's a favour, not a clause.

Why should I believe a chef can write copy?

You shouldn't, on my say-so. You just read a sales letter to the end. That was the audition. And if it didn't land, the guarantee costs you nothing to find out.